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It's always Christmas

I had a Dream.. within a dream about my Mom. It was December, not quite Christmas yet and I was all sad so I curled up and fell asleep on a cushion that plays Christmas music. And I was back in our house in Calgary. Everyone was there and we were decorating for Christmas. I looked around a bit then I found my to where my Mom was. I don't remember what she was doing but I went over and gave her a kiss on the cheek. Then I fell to my knees and started crying and I guess I cried out in my sleep because that's what woke me up.
I've had dreams like that before, about the way things were. And it's always Christmas.


I'm looking forward to tomorrow. My Sister and her husband are taking a trip to Utah. One last
trip by themselves before they adopt kids. So I'm going to stay over at their place while they're gone to make sure the cat gets fed. I look forward to using a bathroom that doesn't smell/that I don't have to wash before I use. It will be a little weird being by myself that long without anyone coming home and saying hi. Knowing that they're in the house too. But I'm sure it will be
fine. I'll just watch scary movies in the dark, that will comfort me. It will be for about 10 days.
I think I have enough food to last me. And I have a little money left so I can walk to the grocery store if I need something. I'm bringing 2 books. I hope it's enough. I'll have Facebook and Younow to keep me company as well. And the cat. But she's not very friendly.
It will be a nice change. I'm excited to be out of this basement for a while.


I Like Purple.

Long time Passing

My brothers haven't been getting along. So this, and maybe other reasons to, lead them to the decision to move out of the house. I first heard that Jesse was moving out in December. But then today it was, Darren is moving out on November 1st. And Darren had informed Jesse of this earlier but Jesse forgot or something. I'm not sure if that's true. But Darren picked November 1st knowing Jesse wanted to move out, and wanted to move out first. So now Jesse can't move out. He's staying here and another one of his friends is moving in when Darren moves out. So I feel like I'm keeping Jesse from moving out like he wanted to. Because what will I do if they both move out. I have one option and that's moving to Vancouver to live with my friend Heather. But that would mean giving Ringo to someone else because Heather is allergic to dogs. It stresses me out to think of doing this, obviously. Moving away from my family to live with someone I don't always get along with and who in all honesty gets on my nerves. I have to grow up sometime right. I have to move away and just sort myself out. But it's so fuckin' scary to think about. I miss my Dad so much. He was my support. Read: Crutch. I mean, I spent so much time doing nothing and he let me get away with it. When I should've been doing something, while he was here to support me. Not that I don't feel supported by my brothers and sister. It's just, different. Could I really pack up and move to a big city. Would it be good for me? Could I do it?
I started thinking about getting a job. I thought things would be okay here and I guess they would be. I just feel like I'm holding Jesse back. He wanted to get a place of his own and now he's stuck here. And I'm almost 30 and what have I done? I feel like I have to do this. Or, I have to do something. I still have some time to decide on something.


I'm going to a Conference this weekend for food allergies, with my aunt and my cousin. I figured it would be nice to get out of the house. It's from Friday morning until Saturday afternoon. So I guess we'll spend the night in a hotel. And they provide food which is good because I'm completely broke. I was worried about that, it was part of why I was hesitating when my Aunt asked if I wanted to join them. But yeah, she told me that and now I'm just a bit worried about .. everything else. I'm just going to go though. Get out of my comfort zone a bit. Maybe it will be fun. I just hope my brothers will look after Ringo. But it's only for one night so it should be fine.
And she said she wants to spend more time with us kids, er adults, now that her two kids are a little older. So she's going to take me to look at colleges some time in October. We're going to get some information and stuff.

Burning down the House

It's been kind of crazy around here lately. We've been trying to arrange a day to celebrate Heather's birthday. It was supposed to be on friday, last friday, but Darren was going camping the same night and didn't have enough time. And I was going to go with Jesse but Jesse wasn't feeling well. We decided we would all go on Monday but that didn't happen either because my brothers don't seem to understand the concept of planning ahead. So it was too late to go over there. Even though Jesse had promised we'd go and we would go out for dinner and stuff. So Heather got upset about it but ultimately she decided we would just wait until this weekend so we would have lots of time. And then suddenly she wants to just come over with Pawel for a few hours and leave. She found a few black bugs on the carpet and suddenly the room is too dirty for her to sleep in. And she doesn't want to bring bugs home. I told her they're just little bugs and get them in the summer. And if she wanted I would take everything out of the room and vacuum. She also complained about my brother and his girlfriend and their.. loud activities that wake her up. And suddenly all I'm doing is complaining when I mention that she never stays more than a night on long weekends when she can stay an extra night. And she brings up the fact that I never go to her place. I told her she stopped asking and she said she assumed I didn't want to because I didn't have anyone to look after Ringo. Trust us chicks to just bring up past crap and throw that all in to something making it worse. I was trying to explain that we wanted her to sleep over so we can have lots of time with her. And she lives with Pawel and doesn't come over here every weekend. And I understand that she has to spend money whenever she does come over. She brings dinner and a snack and stuff. I didn't even bring that up because I know that. But somehow I was giving her a guilt trip. Really wasn't.
So she didn't come over tonight. And my brothers both called her and she called them back but she didn't call me back. Hours later she started texting me and was like 'Oh well I'm talking to you now aren't I?' Well, you can fuck off then I don't need your attitude. I'm sorry I want you to come over and hang out with me. My brothers don't talk to me much so I just have internet people and that's fine but it's not talking talking to someone in person. She has to make everything about her. Suddenly a few tiny bugs is way too much for Queen fuckin' Heather. I resent that she thinks my room is dirty because of a couple little bugs. Bugs get in. So frustrated.

And my brothers aren't speaking. Just yelling at the top of their lungs. The other day Jesse was laying on the couch because he's been sick and Darren came home wanting to talk about lowering his rent. But Jesse didn't want to talk about it because he wasn't feeling well. And Darren got angry and started saying that Jesse never wanted to talk to him about anything. And Darren got physical and shoved Jesse and elbowed him in the face apparently. And it just turned into them screaming at one another. And insulting each other. And they're still not speaking. Jesse apparently parked his car where Darren usually parks his car and they screamed about that. So Heather and I aren't getting along and Jesse and Darren aren't getting along. Though I'm sure Heather and I will be speaking again before those two sort it out.

I think I'm going to watch a movie and then I'm going to try and sleep. I had a bad day today. Besides that drama with Heather, the dog has been acting up, peeing in the house again. Because we got JJ. And Ringo ran up and was barking and stuff at the neighbors kids. And Mits the stupid cat keeps peeing on my bed. She's done it two days in a row and once or twice before that. No idea why she's doing it. I cleaned the litter box and brought it upstairs because I thought she might not want to go downstairs where JJ is. But, she continues to pee on my bed. So I chase her out of my room or keep my door closed. I might strangle her.
That was my day. Yay.


My brothers got back from San Francisco yesterday. Darren maimed his ankle but didn't have the money to see a doctor in the states so he finally went today. He said that he would be sitting there and people would just walk by and smack his foot. But he also met a nice couple who drove all over the place looking for crutches. So they met some nice and some not so people there. But they said it was just crazy. People everywhere. Way different from being in Canada. I got to see some pictures and some video. It sounds like a bit of an adventure really. But they seem glad to be back in Canada. Santa Cruz looks like a really pretty place. I want to travel really really bad. But yeah not until I get over this social anxiety. Otherwise I'd be completely useless.

So in other news, I found out I weigh 120lbs. Shocked. I remember when I weighed 175lbs. Darren actually mentioned that I look as though I've lost weight. So I weighed myself and was shocked when it stopped on 120. I mean, I've cut out a lot of the junk food I was eating. I still eat it. Like, yesterday I ate a thing of ben & jerry's (so good!) But I've been working out. Walking. I guess it's all helping. I would eat more if I could though. I mean, more than just like one meal a day. Though lately I've been eating lunch as well. Anyhow, just, a bit shocked, and happy.

What else. Going to my Cousin's wedding in August. So now I have to find a dress. I tried on a nice navy blue dress. I might get it because it's in my price range. And it's not too fancy. And it's comfortable which is good because I like to be comfortable and not have to fuss over what I'm wearing. I'm excited to get all dressed up. I don't get to wear a dress very often.


I've been in a good mood lately. I haven't been very productive. But I'm going to the library today. Apparently I'm eager to go because that's what I was dreaming about just before I woke up.
I don't really have much else to say. I've been trying to be more social lately and it's been working out pretty well. I'm proud of myself.
Going dress shopping this weekend at West Edmonton Mall. Heather needs a dress for a wedding she's attending in July. She's going to New Brunswick for it so that should be exciting for her. I'd like to go to the other end of Canada one day. I'd love to visit Montreal, and Prince Edward Island. I think about all the places I'd like to travel and for some reason I feel like I'm running out of time. I'm only 29 and I feel old. Probably because I haven't really done much in my life so far. All the more reason to fight this social anxiety off.

I'm Walkin'

I had my appointment with the Psychiatrist today. He's acting as a go-between to get me in a group therapy thing at the Hospital.
He was nice though. British. Admits to coffee stains on his important papers. Why these things are relevant. I guess I'm painting a picture. But he drops this bombshell at the very start. That I'm trying to appear cheerful but it's facade and I'm really depressed. I told him no, I don't think I'm depressed. I didn't mention that I've been going through some crap lately.
So I'm to start doing exercise every day. Working my way up to 30 minutes a day on the Elliptical. And he suggested watching a show or something while I'm doing it. Which means dragging the thing into the other room. And moving the couch.. I guess I don't have to do that. There's nothing I really watch on tv anyway.
I'm crap at answering questions. He made a comment about my lack of eye contact. That I was making good eye contact until he asked me, why are you here today? I said, I don't know. But I'm sure he wanted to here something like, well I've had this social anxiety for far too long now and I need some help so I can finally function in 'normal' society. And get a job and all that junk. He also asked how old my brothers are. I said, I'm not good at math, here are their birth years. I'm sure I appeared to be very smart. And he asked about my financial situation. What I do with my time. Do I have friends. Have I dated. Then he made phone calls. I'm to have an appointment with a lady Doctor for Cognitive Behavior therapy. I just hope I don't have to pay for it.. And also a group therapy thing for social anxiety. The problem is getting to these appointment. Initially. I mean, after I go a couple times it won't be so bad. It will probably be in August or September he said. So I'll have to do some trial runs there and back with Heather so I can figure out my way there. And he gave me Ativan to take before the appointment. Which I found to be a bit odd. I mean, it would calm me down. I guess I didn't expect it is all. But I guess he really wants me to show up.
I guess it went well. I'll just have to figure some things out.


I had a very vivid, disturbing dream that I murdered a house full of people. I grabbed a knife but it wasn't sharp enough so I grabbed a cleaver and just murdered person after person. I mean, cut throats, and chopped off limbs. This little girl pissed me off so I saved her for last and I told her so before I loped off her head. And, yeah, it wasn't good. And then I had to set the house on fire but people showed up so I was still trying to do it and then escape, then I woke up.
Dream Dictionary says:
To dream that you have committed a murder indicates that you are putting an end to an old habit and a former way of thinking. This could also refer to an end to an addiction. Alternatively, the dream indicates that you have some repressed aggression or rage at yourself or at someone. Note also that dreams of murder occur frequently during periods of depression.