I had a very vivid, disturbing dream that I murdered a house full of people. I grabbed a knife but it wasn't sharp enough so I grabbed a cleaver and just murdered person after person. I mean, cut throats, and chopped off limbs. This little girl pissed me off so I saved her for last and I told her so before I loped off her head. And, yeah, it wasn't good. And then I had to set the house on fire but people showed up so I was still trying to do it and then escape, then I woke up.
Dream Dictionary says:
To dream that you have committed a murder indicates that you are putting an end to an old habit and a former way of thinking. This could also refer to an end to an addiction. Alternatively, the dream indicates that you have some repressed aggression or rage at yourself or at someone. Note also that dreams of murder occur frequently during periods of depression.

Caught a Light Sneeze.

In talking with my sister this weekend I came up with a plan of sorts. I really need to get used to the bus before I make plans to go to this group thing. And the group thing is in April so I don't think I would be able to get in. I don't know but. I need to make sure I'm ready for it and right now I'm not. So I'm going to work myself up to giving my social worker a call and asking him/her about getting money for a bus pass each month. I'm hoping that since I need it to get around that it will be approved. Then I'll start going to the mall or the library on the bus, by myself obviously. And then my sister and I can figure out the bus route to the hospital and I can do that by myself a couple times so I know the route before I have to go. I have an appointment with my family Doctor on the 21st so I'll speak to him about this and see what he says. He referred me to this psychiatrist so I need to tell him what's going on. Because I missed my appointment with the psychiatrist and I don't want him to think I'm just blowing it off. I'm sure he'll understand as it's important I feel comfortable with what's going on.
So, yeah. Plans. The hard part, for me, will be calling about the bus pass. I need to find the right phone number, work myself up to calling, and I'll probably write down what I'm going to say as well. But I'll get it done before my Doctor's appointment.

I'm sooo happy I can go to the library again! The lady was so nice. I didn't have to pay to renew my library card. I got a new library card as well. It's purple and it says 'Use at the first sign of Boredom.' (The lady actually asked if I scrapbook and wanted my old card for it) There were maybe five different sayings and that's the one I chose. And I had $21 in late fees. My sister gave me a $20 so, as my birthday gift, I could pay off my late fees and use my card again. But the lady, knowing I'm on social assistance, asked if I could pay $10 of it and I said I could. And she just got rid of the rest. So after the library we went to the mall and I had some Teriyaki Chicken with the rest of the money. It was nice. Then my sister and I went to Safeway so she could get something to eat and she got what she needed for her lunches during the week.
It was a nice weekend.

I had a good day today. Jesse woke me up to show me the Bass he just bought. I told him that if I could play an instrument in a band I would play the Bass. We talked a bit as I made Stew. Always nice when we have a conversation. We don't talk very often. Just a hello here and there. He comes and talks to me about what's going on with his ex. He's still hanging on to her. I don't know why. I wish he would just let her go. Obviously she doesn't care about him as much as he does her. He needs to move on.
Anyways. Stew. Yummy. I haven't had any yet. I think I will soon though. It smells really good.
I told Darren I made stew and he can have some when he gets home. He texted me back asking if I cleaned the kitchen. The kitchen has been a disaster for many days now. We ran out of soap so both sinks have been full of pots and pans. I loaded the dishwasher, turned it on, and then emptied it. I've done some of the dishes. But really, it's not my mess. There's dried Coke all over the floor. I had to clean the stove before I could cook on it. I didn't make any of that mess. I clean every pot I use. But he says that they, meaning he and Jesse, do things. Yeah, Darren never cleans the kitchen. Never. He's full of shit. I told him I did some of it and someone else can do the rest because it's not my mess. And he hasn't said anything else. I don't care what he says. I bought the stupid soap too. And then the dishes sat there. It's like they're waiting to see if I do them. Jesse was saying he hoped Darren would do them. I told them it was very unlikely. Darren expects me to do it. But he can fuck himself if he thinks I'm going to play the maid around here.

Okay, enough ranting. I wish these guys would act like adults. I feel, too, like I'm not acting like an adult by saying, oh it's not my mess but, ahh.

Nothing much to write about.
I have a Doctor's appointment tomorrow. Not sure why. I stopped taking the anxiety pills. I haven't gotten to do a blood test. They called and got me a referral to some psychiatrist. There's a message on the answering machine, I haven't called them back yet. How am I supposed to get there? Wherever it is.
Mostly I wonder why I should even bother. I still find I'm okay where I am. Away from people. Why do I want to go make things complicated, taking the bus by myself to talk to some doctor who will just want to give me more pills. Yeah, not an Optimist.
I don't even care. I like my little world. Games, books, walks to the store in the middle of the night, getting up at 5pm.
Safe where I am.

Christmas went by so fast! I had a good Christmas though. My sister stayed over for two nights. My friend's dog, Blake, is here until saturday. And I pawned a lot of the responsibilities off on my sister while she was here. Everyone is enjoying having Blake here though. They think he's really cute. He can be a bit loud and a bit attention seeking but maybe he just doesn't get enough attention at home. He really likes it here. He insists on sleeping in my room now so I have both dogs and sometimes a cat or two. Yeah, it's been really good. I'll miss him when they take him back.

So, Christmas. I don't think we opened our presents until at least noon. Everyone was awake except the roommate and Jesse was getting started on dinner. He didn't end up needing my help at all. Jesse, Darren and the roommate, Will, did all of it. They even cleaned up after. I put some leftovers in the fridge, that's it. It was nice. The food was really good too. Which is always a plus. Heather got Ringo a new leash, black and a collar, blue. He needed them, the one he's been wearing was falling apart. I got a Pug calendar, Pug mugs. One of the pugs looks exactly like Ringo. So now I have a calendar for 2012. That was from Jesse, and he also got me Legend of Zelda Skyward Sword for my Wii. My sister got me Sims 3 Pets. I still need to get Sims 3 Generations and there's a new expansion coming out, I think in March. And Darren got me... Legend of Zelda Skyward Sword. So they didn't communicate there. And they just wrapped them both and then told me we would take one copy in and exchange it. I think we're doing it this weekend. Though I didn't know I needed a Motion plus thing for my Wiimote so I don't have that and haven't been able to play the game. I might have to get that instead of another game. :( I was lead to believe I was getting Pokemon Black for my DS. So I was a bit disappointed. Though I haven't finished either of the two Pokemon games I already have..
We also got an iCoaster from the roommate to all of us. It takes a bit of practice to get the hang of the directions and stuff but I've built nearly all of the designs in the booklet now. Darren's friend Sean came over and he helped me a bit. And Heather's husband, Pawel, came for dinner after throwing a hissy fit because we asked if he could pick up some butter on his way to the house. He thought it was rude of us to ask. Which isn't the way we see it but I guess it's the way he does. But we figured it all out.
Sean brought dessert for everyone which was nice of him. And we sat in the living room building the iCoaster and painting Christmas decorations. It was nice. I found myself doing pretty well with my anxiety. I talked more than usual and had attention drawn to me and I think I handled it quite well.

I went to see The Adventures of TinTin with my friend Heather on Monday. We went to an awesome Japanese restaurant and I had chicken teriyaki instead of sushi because I was pretty hungry. It was delicious. It came with Miso soup and it was the best Miso soup I've had so far. And then after the movie we went to Tim Hortons and I had a coffee and a cinnamon bun. I always eat quite well when I go out with Heather. We came back to the house and she visited Blake for a while. And then she left. We were supposed to go see a movie I wanted to see but she wasn't in the mood to watch the Girl with the Dragon tattoo. She promised we would go see it this weekend but now I'm short on money so I'm not sure if I can go. I don't know that she'll like it but, c'mon she made me sit through Sex and the City 2. Blech.

Good times. Not sure if my sister is coming over this weekend. I want her to but it's New Year's Eve. We'll see.

Right. I should eat something, now.

I'm so done with these Social Support people. It's not helpful sending someone new every appointment so then I have to reexplain everything. Just set up this stupid cognitive group therapy thing and I'll just move on.
We started all kinds of shit but the only thing that was done was the Doctor's appointment and the Glasses. And I still need to pick them up. But I guess they can't fix everything. We didn't do the library, my ID. I guess I've mentioned this before.
I don't even know if I want to take these pills for the anxiety. I don't understand how they're supposed to work. Maybe I'll ask the Doctor.
I'm seeing my Doctor tonight. My brother agreed to take me, by some miracle. So I hope he does. I hope I don't get a text saying he has to work late so just go ahead and walk there. I'll be mad.
I slept like crap last night. I woke up several times. Happens whenever I have something going on. It just stays in my mind and messes up everything.

Jesse is getting a turkey for free from his work which is great. And then tomorrow we're getting the rest of the food. And Heather is coming over on Saturday night after spending some time with her husband's family. It's crazy that Christmas is the weekend. It doesn't feel like it at all. There's still only 1 present under our tree. And the living room is a mess. Ah well. We'll throw something at the wall and see what sticks.

Lady should be here soon. She's late because she didn't realize it was a home visit. I had to call the number so she could be sure I was home. Where else would I be? hehe.
Ready for today to be over.

Let's hope my straight and married sister wants to spend $50-$60
on lingerie for her boyfriend. Fuck off. You can have each other.
You can continue to choose him over me.
Am I just taking it that way. Is it really just about money. I don't like being in just a little gown up on a table thank you very much.

There's this other issue though about Food. I'm trying to read more, trying. And I
want to start doing some sit-ups or something. I don't know. I never use my card twice. And I just want to keep him but can I really do anything. I'm outnumbered. They don't want him here. They don't even pet him anymore. I mean Jesse never did but Darren just kinda said, it's done. Like it's final. Because Jesse has him convinced. Jesse just wants to play on the playground like other kids. But the playground is strapped with explosives.
~-
Besides that, I got a form I had to coax him back out again and it's his fault too. I had to take the airplane by myself. Not a very long flight though and she'll be there when I get left with nothing after rent and food. So as much I would've liked to stop and do something and then they left to go see Sex and the City 2 with her because the friend she was going to make some oatmeal and some Green Tea.

sidenote/complaint: I asked my dad more than a year.
She says she wants to relax and she has him over to her house for the night. She was nice to get out of my Dad's computer and put it away. Now I have to see me
Ami M: i hate you more and i don't want to
gunwaw007: Why
gunwaw007: you must
gunwaw007: I am a man
Ami M: apparently.
gunwaw007: and you what
gunwaw007: Are you baby
Ami M: not in a long time. The wanna-be Feminist in me just loathes her. She's clingy and patethic and I can't get any Subway.
Heh.
So my brother's getting all fed up with that anymore. I need my Sleep, darnit.

I'm only on Chapter 11 of HBP. I'm going to see Watchmen at the IMAX theater on Saturday. I'm excited because I've never been to a baby
shower. And how fun will it be to go get clothes. I thought I heard someone come into the house. The roommate was staying at her friends house until friday, or so I thought, because she came back. And she came to talk to my brother
to tell him what I want to write but I don't like it at all. But for some reason I agreed. And it was a calendar that started on August of this year like he wanted. But it had big yellow flowers on it so I'm going to do it all with all this
cooking and cleaning business, and i'm so distracted.

Mitsuko! She's doing good I must say. She's so sweet. She likes to climb on me.. and
my dresser overflowing with crap she knocks on the floor. But yeah, she's getting a
bit more used to these dogs. I'm glad I don't have one. I was under my Dad for Blue cross. I don't know, I think it's a comfort thing. We have our places we go, our restaurants and whatnots and we have to listen to loud angry music now.

So we're trying to get me in to some Cognitive Behavior Therapy Group at the Hospital. The other thing, Outpatient Anxiety whatsit, has a 3 to 6 month waiting list. I need a referral from someone with who can.. admit patients to that hospital. I can't get my words out today. I might have to go down to Emergency and get a referral that way. But I think my Doctor might be able to help a referral so I won't have to do that. Hopefully they speak to him and can come up with something.
I'm still very anxious about having to go to the hospital for therapy. Apparently Kansas said she would come with my the first time I go. And it might not be until April so in the meantime I can work on getting used to taking the bus on my own. I have to do something so, yeah. I'll work it out.

Decorating the tree this weekend. I thought we would be doing it some time during the week but we're waiting until Heather is over so she can help. Which is nice because she didn't get to help last year. She got her own tree. A fake one. But it's nice to decorate the big family tree altogether. And I really want to make sugar cookies. Maybe I'll get to do so this weekend.

My time with these Counselors is coming to a close. My final appointment is on Friday. I'm going to see my Doctor on Wednesday. And the guy that came to the house today thinks I should speak to him about my anxiety and possibly getting on some kind of medication for it. We talked about different types, specifically Clonazepam and Buspirone I think. I don't know. They all sound the same. Anyways, so that will be discussed.
Apparently I will be getting a new ID. We discussed me going to the hospital to talk to someone in some kind of anxiety program. Which is all well and good but I don't know know how they would expect me to get there. Silly faces.
They say they're not just going to cut off communication with me. And if I still want someone to come they're flexible. We'll see what happens.
I was given some papers entitled 'Distress Tolerance Handout #1'. Apparently distress is a lot like anxiety, heh, so there are some examples of things I can do. One of them says 'Count colors in a painting or tree or out the window' I think counting the colors in a tree wouldn't take very long and then you'd just go back to being anxious, but what do I know.
So, medication. We talked about going to an anxiety group. He was actually really helpful. A lot of what he said made sense, that's always good. What I mean is, he had more to say than the others who would just ask me some of the same things. He said Ringo could come down and say hello because he was howling away. And Ringo sniffed his hand and immediately jumped up and wanted to play with him. He told me he has two big dogs and three cats. So I guess he's a nice person for Ringo to warm up to him so fast.
I guess I'll see what happens. He said I don't have to do anything I'm not ready to do. But I don't see any other way because if I don't go somewhere for help I'll just stay the same.